Features / grief
It’s your loss babe: a new space for young people experiencing grief
“I remember my mum being pregnant and really hating it,” Lily May-Suteau, 28, remembers as we walk across the Clifton Downs on a sunny afternoon. “When you’re the only child you’re like, ‘What the hell? Who is this? Another one?’ I didn’t like Hollis when he was born.”
Lily and her younger brother Hollis grew up in Frome, just over an hour away by car from Bristol.
Although Lily wasn’t Hollis’ biggest fan when she heard her mum was pregnant with him, she “pretty immediately” fell in love with him when he was born.
is needed now More than ever
She remembers an idyllic early childhood spending summers travelling side by side with him in Dorset, “being a child and having no worries”, in the family caravan.
However, soon after Lily became an adult, life began to rapidly change.
18-year-old Lily had just gotten into Nottingham Trent University and had a few months to go before she packed up her bags and headed off to the Midlands for a degree in Fashion Management.
Lily May-Suteau lost her younger brother Hollis in 2017 – photo: Seun Matiluko
However Hollis, then 14, had started getting a recurrent pain in his jaw. “I remember him Googling it and telling me he thought it was a brain tumour,” Lily says. “I was like, ‘Don’t be silly’. A 14-year-old boy…you just think there is no way.”
Hollis didn’t have a brain tumour.
He had Rhabdomyosarcoma, a rare cancer, often found in children.
Although his dentist had initially brushed off his jaw pain as nothing to worry about, a large tumour started developing in Hollis’ jaw and ultimately, by the time the cancer was caught it was at stage four.
“I went to the hospital the next day, the children’s cancer ward, and that was bleak,” Lily says. “That was really hard hitting, because you’ve got two/three/four-year-olds in there, just bald kids and parents who are completely dishevelled. And then there was Hollis.”
Hollis started chemo a couple of weeks before Lily started university and, by the time she came back home for the holidays, his physique had radically changed.
Gone was the 6ft2 teenager with a beard. In his place was a gaunt boy who was “in so much pain that he would cry all the time because it felt like he was being stabbed in his feet”.
Hollis died, two years later, on October 1 2017. He was 16.
It’syourlossbabe describe themselves as a Bristol-based “community offering a safe space for young people to connect through their grief” – image: It’s your loss babe
Although Hollis had been ill for a while, his death happened suddenly: “Hollis kept complaining about his back being sore… we went to the hospital and they ran some tests and then they sat us all down in a room and said, ‘it’s spread and now he’s got fluid in the brain and there’s nothing else we can do’.
“We asked how long he had left. They said three weeks and he died 10 days later.”
It was tough figuring out how to cope after he died.
Lily shakes her head: “There was support, but it was just not the type of support I think a teenager/young adult can really benefit from.
“I had some leaflets that were like ‘go outside’ and ‘here’s some antidepressants’.
“I read the back of the antidepressants and it said, ‘these might make you suicidal’.
“At that point, I was having suicidal thoughts and thought, ‘I actually can’t take those because that’s a really bad idea’.”
After struggling through for seven years, experiencing anxiety and depression, in August 2024 Lily decided to set up It’s your loss babe, a community space for young people aged 18-35 experiencing grief, in her newly adopted home of Bristol.
Lily explains: “I want to help other people, because I don’t think anyone should be in the situation I was in.
“Also, I think as you come into your adulthood, you really want that sense of community and I just didn’t have that.
“I wanted to make my own friends and connect over things I really care about and am passionate about…I was searching for groups, and even things like running clubs and nothing was a good fit.
“So, I was like, I’m just gonna make my own.”
Lily often cooks and bakes food to give out at It’s your loss babe events – photo: Lily May-Suteau
Lily’s friend Meg helped her design It’syourlossbabe’s logo – an orange flower – and Lily then set about making Instagram and Facebook pages and organising a launch event with the help of her boyfriend Sean.
Around fifteen people came and heard Lily speak on the impact of losing a sibling, Sean speak on supporting a partner through grief and another speaker, Jack, on the impact of losing a friend.
After the launch, Lily then set about organising regular informal meet-ups in central Bristol and on the Downs.
Lily loves coming to the Downs. She says she goes on daily walks across the Downs to clear her head or, in Gen Z parlance, “touch grass”.
Outside of It’syourlossbabe, Lily also finds that going on regular walks and writing poetry has helped her process her grief – photo: Seun Matiluko
The next It’syourlossbabe get together will be from 1-4pm at the Greenbank, in Easton, on Saturday.
“I think people come and they’re really nervous and don’t really know what to expect,” Lily reflects. “But…it’s actually so fine. It’s really informal and everyone’s got some kind of thing in common. There’s a common thread through it all: grief and loss.”
She adds: “I think a big part of making this successful and helpful was being able to share stories and experiences that other people might be able to relate to.
“That’s why I chose that age group (18-35-year-olds).
“I know that it’s a very vulnerable age for a lot of people, especially those who are younger, and the support isn’t there.
“I think also sometimes that proactiveness to go and seek support is sometimes not something you would do if you’re 18, whereas, if it’s something that you come across on Instagram or you can see it on local posters, you might be more inclined to just go and do that.”
A year on from her launch event and Lily now has several regulars who come along It’syourlossbabe events.
She also always sees at least one new face at every gathering.
But can’t it all get a bit much? Lily, after all, is not trained in counselling – she works as a delivery manager for a youth design agency.
“I don’t want (the events) to turn into counselling sessions, I’m not equipped to do that,” she explains. “But, most of the time, people just want to share what’s happened to them and feel like they’re not alone.
“Sometimes it can feel quite emotionally draining but I also think that’s because I’m doing a whole event.
“I also think in some ways I find it therapeutic because I get to talk about what happened to me too.”
The next It’syourlossbabe event will be from 1-4pm at the Greenbank pub in Easton on Saturday. For more information, visit Headfirst
There are several bereavement support groups in Bristol. There are also several mental health support groups, including Samaritans
Main photo: Seun Matiluko
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