Features / death
‘Death conversations are coming for everyone’
It’s midsummer and gardener Ruby Love is tending to the feathery foliage of a blooming nigella plant.
Ruby is a natural born nurturer, spending most of her days watering, pruning and bringing gardens to life in Henleaze and Westbury-on-Trym.
In her other part time role, she has a different daily focus – death.
is needed now More than ever
As a trained death doula, Ruby provides non-medical, practical and emotional support to anyone who has a terminal diagnosis or is reaching the natural end of their life.
Facing up to my own mortality, I meet Ruby for a cup of tea and a stroll at Arnos Vale Cemetery. It’s one of her favourite places, second only to Nightingale Valley, to talk and to reflect.
Ruby says: “It is a privilege to accompany people during such a tender time. Yes there is sadness and grief but there can also be joy and laughter.”
She adds that the solace and acceptance of seasons and cycles in gardening carry through into her doula practice.
More and more people are seeking the counsel of doulas like Ruby. In fact, End of Life Doula (EOLD), the UK’s association for death doulas, tracked record numbers of new members in 2025, including nine new providers in the South West.
Dr Emma Clare, CEO of EOLD, tells me that while awareness and demand is rising, she wishes more people knew that the end of life experience can be personalised.
She says: “People just don’t know the possibilities.
“These conversations are coming for everyone. If you choose to wait and have it in an A&E corridor you’re only doing your future self and relatives a disservice.”
It can be as simple as asking to see the sky during your final moments or verbalising a wish to see the sea one last time.
Clare recently worked with a client who had a lifelong love of outdoor pursuits. She helped coordinate the logistics around his death so he could pass away in his favourite tent, next to his dog.
Often doulas are contacted by family members seeking last minute help navigating what’s happening to their loved one and the avalanche of “death admin” that can come with it.
It’s a fact of life that about ten people die every day in Bristol, but all too often people are unprepared.
A survey by palliative care charity Sue Ryder shows that 90 per cent of people have not planned for their death and that 70 per cent of people have not discussed dying with their loved ones.
Bristol24/7 spoke to the 33-year-old death doula in Arnos Vale Cemetery – photo: Sam McEvans
On our walk, Ruby gently opens up a discussion about my wishes. For the first time I consider how I might like to listen to my brother’s old vinyl records as I die.
There are clearly parallels between doula services and how religious leaders act as guides to people nearing death or to those wrestling with existential questions.
Mike Austin, facilitator at the Lam Rim Bristol Buddhist Centre, says that in his community some people may chant or pray at a deathbed, while others may encourage recollection of past positive actions, or simply embrace stillness.
He says: “Buddhist practice requires meditating on death and impermanence during life. Not only is it the best preparation for death, it also reduces attachment and suffering in this life.”
The benefits of preparing to die are underlined by further Sue Ryder research: 61 per cent of people agree that discussing end of life preferences reduces death anxiety and 72 per cent believe open conversations about dying wishes encourages them to reflect more deeply on how they want to live.
There has been a rise in the number of death doulas in the UK – photo: Sam McEvans
As we wander through the ivy clad gravestones, Ruby tells me about a current client, Maya, who has asked her to help her make the most of her final days.
Maya is in her 70s and lives in a care home. Ruby acts as a companion and confidant, and together they visit places Maya has loved in life, like the RWA.
Reflecting on her own eventual death, 33-year-old Ruby points to a patch in the undergrowth and tells me that she wants to die on the soil.
Ruby recognises that this is not always an accessible option, but has a vision for a weatherproof space that would make this possible for people in a hospice garden setting like St Peter’s.
As our loop through Arnos Vale reaches its end and we prepare to part ways, I feel at ease with Ruby and inspired by her words to start a conversation with my husband tonight.
“Dying is just a natural part of the life cycle,” she says. “I see it every day as a gardener watching plants and animals come and go.
“Talking about it needs to be normalised.”
For more information about death doulas, visit eol-doula.uk
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