Using comedy to talk about queer domestic abuse

There is a notable lack of information and storytelling on the experiences of LGBTQ+ people with domestic violence and abuse.

A common portrayal of domestic abuse is that of a male perpetrator and female survivor within a heterosexual relationship.

However, Stonewall’s national surveys from 2008 and 2011 showed almost half of all gay and bisexual men (49 per cent) had experienced at least one incident of abuse from family members or partners since the age of 16.

Trans individuals may be at even higher risk, according to a 2018 Stonewall study. They found that 28 per cent of British trans people had faced domestic abuse from a partner in the previous year.

James Barr is a multi-award winning comedian, podcaster and radio presenter.

His most recent show, Sorry I Hurt Your Son (Said My Ex To My Mum), focusses on his abusive relationship with his ex. The show’s title comes from his ex’s final words to James’ mother, written in a Christmas card.

James Barr is a podcast host and has a show on Hits Radio – photo: Steve Ullathorne

Sorry I Hurt Your Son will be performed at the Alma Tavern and Theatre on Friday.

James said the performance will blend sharp comedy with brutal honesty.

He hopes to provide a fresh perspective on an often-overlooked issue and wants to give a voice to those who are experiencing or might experience domestic violence in their lifetimes.

The show involves an hour of stand-up comedy.

James explained: “It’s a rollercoaster offering a bold take on the impact of abuse and what follows it. The show itself has mirrored my healing process. What my ex-boyfriend did to me isn’t my shame to carry. So, I’m giving it back the best way I know how – by laughing at it.”

James said he previously only heard about abuse from a heterosexual perspective and most often heard people talking about worst-case scenarios. He said this made it difficult to spot what he was going through.

“When you’re going through abuse, you don’t want to call it abuse because you love them. You only ever hear about women being survivors of abuse, but it affects everyone. It’s important to tell my story, so more people are able to identify it,” said James.

Sorry I Hurt Your Son (Said My Ex To My Mum) – James Barr – photo: Corinne Cumming

James wants his show to open up a conversation and allow audiences to grow through their own traumas.

He said: “I want audiences to laugh a lot, but also acknowledge what they’ve seen. My purpose for creating the show was to give the shame back to the perpetrators of abuse. Survivors carry shame, we think it’s our fault.”

James’ show also questions the role of society in stories of domestic violence.

“I want to discuss how much fault the perpetrators carry. It’s important to acknowledge cycles of violence exist and think how we can end them,” said James.

Sorry I Hurt Your Son (Said My Ex to My Mum) will be at the Alma Tavern on Friday at 7:30pm. Tickets can be bought online at www.tickettailor.com/events/almatheatrecompany/1595122?

Main photo: Corinne Cumming

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