Film
Twilight
- Director
- Catherine Hardwicke
- Certificate
- 12A
- Running Time
- 122 mins
Each generation seems to get its own money-spinning bloodless teen version of the versatile vampire myth. Back in 1987, Joel Schumacher’s cruddy The Lost Boys made a fortune while Kathryn Bigelow’s superior-in-all-departments Near Dark had to settle for cult status. Twenty-one years on, Catherine Hardwicke’s franchise-launcing adaptation of Stephenie Meyer’s bestselling novel became another money-spinner, but today’s tweenies who are drawn by the promise of bloodlust should be warned that there’s virtually no necking of any variety. They may also find themselves bored shitless by the endless mooning about between the film’s heroine and her pasty-faced suitor, who styles himself “the world’s most dangerous predator” but would be eaten for breakfast by most of his screen predecessors. Essentially, what we’ve got here is a rather chaste high school romance spiced up with a soupcon of anaemic vampirism. It must be acknowledged, however, that this is an accurate reflection of the devout Mormon author’s wholesome message about the dangers of succumbing to sinful pre-marital lust.
Narrating in voiceover, moody teen Bella Swann (Kristen Stewart) relocates to the drizzly town of Forks to be with her police chief dad (Billy Burke) and immediately falls for Edward Cullen (Hogwarts alumnus Robert Pattinson, rocking the pallid, pouty James Dean look). What Bella doesn’t realise as they exchange unintentionally hilarious smouldering looks is that he’s part of a family of self-styled ‘vegetarian vampires’ who’ve managed to control their urge to drain humans. Trouble is, one whiff of hot Bella’s raging teen hormones is enough to make Edward come over all bitey. “Your scent is like my own personal brand of heroin,” he drools, as we begin to realise that we might need some Class As ourselves to make it through another 90 minutes of these two sitting around in trees and failing to have sex. Yes, OK, we get the metaphor about the girl who’s in love with a dangerous yet sensitive, Debussy-loving guy (dreamy, eh girls?) who might not be able to control his desire to drink her blood, but when’s the plot going to show up? Eventually, almost as an afterthought, a bunch of Bad (i.e. far more interesting) Vampires enter the frame to menace Bella a bit. But that’s way too late to atone for the stilted performances, grotty unspecial effects, shoddy wirework and often howlingly bad dialogue.
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