Before being asked to have lunch at Redfield’s newest restaurant, Time Out Kitchen, I cracked open a packet of sweets and consumed them hungrily to tide me over, just in case. This was at 11.30am.
What can I say? I get hungry. I was asked: “Didn’t your mother tell you to not eat before a meal?” HA. You don’t know my eating capabilities.
I arrived on Church Road by bicycle soon after midday and was warmly welcomed by the owners. I popped my bag down in a booth facing the street then ambled up to the counter to order.
The gluttonous side of my personality continued as I ambled to the counter and cockily ordered a chocolate milkshake and the veggie burger, planning on going back for a post-meal dessert, should I fancy it. When I look back, my naivety kills me.
A few minutes passed and I wondered when my drink would be coming. I was feeling a little bit parched after cycling around Bristol in the spring heat.
Then…. BOOM. I was not expecting this.
In front of me lay the biggest monster of a milkshake I had ever seen. The mother of all milkshakes. King Kong. Godzilla. The Smaug. All put together and in shake form.
I briefly panicked. How the hell was I going to fit in my burger?
Let me describe this beastly concoction. The Oreo milkshake filled the 0.4L Kilner handled jar tankard. Chocolate spread was drizzled around the inside of the glass, with Nutella poured on the outside and tiny M&Ms placed delicately over the spread. That’s right: the glass cannot even contain it.
This would have been enough for most people, right? But no. There’s so much more.
A ringed donut topped with whipped cream was perched on top of the tankard. Marshmallows and chocolate buttons had been frivolously stuck into the cream in a jazzy fashion.
Enough to give you a heart attack just by looking at it. But there’s still more.
To the right of this creation, on a separate plate, lay a slab of brownie. “Drizzled in what?” you may ask. More chocolate sauce. I then chuckled as I look more closely. Is that? Yes, yes it is. A grand total of three blueberries, to give it that modern-day-compulsory-element-of-health, stood innocently to the side of this gargantuan shake, a day’s worth of food within itself next to the little triumvirate of vitamin C.
I took a deep breath. And then I went for it.
Everything was dreamy and much more than I had anticipated. They had certainly got the combination of flavours right. The milkshake itself, however, could have been a little bit more Oreo-ey.
The donut was fresh, the brownie was rich and toppings gave me that throwback to when I was 10 years old, a time when my mum would stop me before I consumed myself to sickness. Nothing could stop me now.
Afterwards, I felt delirious. To create such a delectable monstrosity was a skill within itself and the presentation was like nothing else I have ever witnessed.
Value for money from only £3.50? Tick. Tasty? Tick. Filling? A gazillion ticks.
Jess Musgrove is a journalism student at UWE
Read more: Is this Bristol’s most decadent dessert?