A zombie... potentially prevalent in Whitchurch Park, Bristol
Bristol City Council has released its ‘top secret’ plans for dealing with zombies, following a Freedom of Information request from a concerned citizen.
‘Intelligence’ gained from a source that has been kept secret on national security grounds suggests that Whitchurch Park, Shirehampton, and Totterdown have an “enhanced zombie prevalence”, according to the document. Stokes Croft, meanwhile, has special undercover investigations going on.
The document goes on to say that special codewords have been issued to council staff to look out for on TV and radio in case of zombie attack. The codewords have been created to avoid general panic and alert staff to go to their designated emergency positions.
Elsewhere, the plan includes:
- Advice on best practice for killing zombies;
- Reference to an area of the staff intranet where appropriate equipment can be found;
- Annual training schedules for staff;
There is, finally, a note warning that “due to urgent operational considerations, it is acceptable to suspend some
elements of normal best practice in customer service standards when dealing with a zombie outbreak”.
The FoI request came from Bristol resident Mr P Store, who became worried following a BBC report last week which said a worried member of the public has forced Leicester City Council to admit it is unprepared for a zombie invasion.
The authority received a FoI request which said provisions to deal with an attack, often seen in horror films, were poor.
The “concerned citizen” said the possibility of such an event was one that councils should be aware of.
Mr Store wrote: “As a concerned Bristol resident, and as a responsible parent, I’m most concerned by this, and would like to know whether Bristol City Council is better prepared than those nay-sayers in the East Midlands. We really must be told!”
A Bristol council spokesman refused to go into further details, citing national security considerations, but added: “As of now, this hasn’t been picked up, though it is all in the public domain – so feel free to do with it what you will.”
Editor’s note: Please, no comments about spoof news. This is serious god dammit…
Is this an April fool? How can it be? It's June.
I am glad to here that plans have been made, a Zombie attack is a very serious threat and one we must all be prepared for.
Did Bristol City Council conduct an equalities impact assessment – like it does on anything that cannot scurry away fast enough – on its zombie apocalypse plans?
Yes. Yes we did.
It is a well known fact that aliens only ever attack the United States of America. That's where all outright invasions take place, as well as more subtle infiltrations – and, indeed, the vast majority of mere sightings. Recent motion pictures depicting aliens in this country are purely fictitious, and designed to present a distorted picture to the viewing public, to make them think it can happen here, too, when in practice we're an insignificant little piece of rock to a species capable of traversing the vast distances between the stars.
I'm now very concerned that vampires may not have been considered. And aliens. What about aliens? And is it politically correct to assume that either of these species would be hostile? If I were a zombie I'd be dead angry about the assumption…